My new home

I had the worst day at work, blah, happily it was only five hours.  So I came home, finished caulking the bathtub, ironed my shower curtain and hung it up and putzed around the house.  Well, not house...trailer.

Whatever.

WALA!!!

Life changes

As I sit here in my new home, I am reflecting on how much life has changed for me.

I made myself spaghetti for supper, it took five minutes to do the dishes.  It doesn't take long just for one.

One person.

One woman.

Just me.

When I started this blog, I had a houseful.  Husband, children, dogs, and a cat.

Now I am 500 miles from my home, and almost four years later, my marriage has failed, my children have all become adults and moved on.

I have had tremendous loss, loss of family, a grandchild, my dogs, and my husband.

I am losing my house, so I am now living elsewhere.  My house was small, under a thousand square feet, this is even smaller, a little trailer nestled in the country with a front porch and a little yard.

I am slowly making it home, unpacking, sorting, hanging pictures, arranging things to my satisfaction.

Today I set to the distasteful task of scrubbing the mungy moldy crap around the tub,  ewwwwwwwww!!!  I scraped all the black caulk (I think that's what it was) off, and recaulked it.  I scrubbed the whole dang thing, it was nasty.

I unpacked a bunch of boxes, hung some more pictures, set my snowman and Santa and sleigh in my yard, and the hard part, went back to the house to get a few things.

And I cried as I walked into that empty echoing house.  Memories hitting me, the first time I saw it, making it a home for us.

Broken Dreams like dead and broken trees lying on the ground after a storm.

I will be ok though, sometimes some dreams die so knew ones can be born.

Moving Day(s)

I was supposed to be done moving yesterday...it rained...pretty much all day.

So the only things I did get moved were my coffee table, my end tables, lamps, and George my sad looking Ficus tree which I have been quite a terrible mother to lately.  I promise George will get some tender loving care, I don't want any more of his leaves to fall off.

The tables were a challenge, they have glass tops, and me being the klutz I am had visions of carrying one, tripping and falling and having it smash at my feet.

Thankfully that visual didn't come to pass.  I pulled the car up onto the grass as close as I could get to my front door, leaving a nice set of tire tracks in the yard.  I opened the trunk, lined it with a thick blanket, and carefully carried all three and placed them in the trunk, wrapping them in blankets as I went.  My heart was beating as I carried them, especially the big one.

Next were the bases to the tables, two went in the back seat, and I had no choice but to put the big one in the trunk, making sure the blankets were between it and the glass.  Lamps went in the back seat on the floor, I had room for one small box, and the George rode with me in the front.

I had time, I did have a work meeting at 10, I figured I would take that stuff over, stop at work on the way back, and then head home.  I was almost at the trailer when I realized two things.  I left my work badge at home, so I wouldn't be able to punch in for the meeting, and had no time to run back to the house, which would have defeated the gas saving purpose, and my driver's side rear turn signal had burned out.

Every time I went to use my signal, the panel on my dash flashed real fast and it flashed, check Left signal.

I arrived at the trailer, went through the same heart stopping thing with the glass, thankful they hadn't shifted, cracked or shattered on the way over.  I placed the bases inside, then carefully carried each one in, then the lamps and took George into his new home.

I then went to the meeting, which of course of the same stupid BS, hand washing, blah, blah, blah, scheduling, blah, blah, blah, fussin' and fightin' among ourselves, blah, blah, blah.  The only new thing I learned is that we all maybe cross trained in different departments.  That's fine with me.

I left there, came home, called Yankee to see where he was at, and started packing since I wasn't any where near done.

With the rain, change of plans.

I called about a Uhaul, and he will be picking it up this morning.  I have to work till 3 pm, and he plans on having most of the truck loaded by the time I get home. When I come home, I will help load the big stuff, and see if we can't get most of everything over there in one shot.

I took a break after a while, Yankee and I talked and picked at each other and he made the observation that we got along better being apart.  Hmmm, ya think?

He is making plans for his life, which is good.  He lost a lot of weight, which is healthy.  We are still going through with the divorce.

We are deciding what to do about the house, looking into maybe selling it 'rent to own' if we can get the down payment we need to catch up on the mortgage.

This way we safe our credit.

It might be a better option than selling it outright considering the housing market the way it is.

I will be offline for a bit after today.  Dummy me forgot to call to have my internet transferred, I will try and take care of it today.

I am going to look into having my cable hooked up too, I found out it will only cost me $6.00 more a month for both.

I will post as soon as I can.  Take care everyone.

It's time for me to start my new life.

Am I missing something here?

If  a man doesn't want to see me again, he should just say it.  A bit of maturity please?

Artist logged on last night, I asked, so what happened yesterday?

I got no response, nothing.

I said, alrighty then, BYE!

If a man doesn't want to see me again, he shouldn't act and say things like he does.  If he changed his mind, just say it.

Attention men!  Be mature about it, don't leave a woman hanging, don't just not call.  There is nothing wrong with being straightforward and truthful.

If your not into me, I can handle it.  I am a grown woman for cripe's sake!

I am not going to start crying and begging and pleading.  I do have some semblance of self control not to mention PRIDE!

So for all you idiotic men who are too cowardly to be a man and say, Hey this isn't working out for me.

GO POUND SAND!

Now that I got that off my chest.

I am supposed to be moving today, of course it's pouring out, and I have a mandatory work meeting at 10 am this morning.

I forgot to call the internet company and have them transfer my service, so that's another thing I need to take care of.

I am not done packing, but you know what?  I am tired of stressing over it, and I can always come back and finish, the house is still mine for the time being.

I went to church yesterday, for some reason suddenly I am not being scheduled to work on Sundays.  I am not going to complain, just be thankful.

I was really in an emotionally upset place yesterday for some reason, and had every intention of working in the house and packing but I just vegged out for the day.

When I think about leaving my house, I shot of anger goes through me like lightning.

I am dealing with a lot of mixed feelings right now.

I know I will be ok in time, just right now I am still trying to work through things in my heart and mind.

Well, now I have no choice but to get things done, I will be back hopefully soon.

What's with men?

Yesterday I talked to the Artist, and he invited me to go along with him and his kids and the goat hiking, he also suggested I bring Boo.  I told him I had to work but I would take a change of clothes with me, change at work and meet him there after I picked up Boo.

As so happens, I got off work a little early, changed, called him, got his voice mail.  I went and picked Boo up, we headed out, got there.

No Artist, no children, no goat.

No phone call.

Nothing.

Nada.

Zip.

Zilch.

So Boo and I went for a brisk 45 minute walk, with me trying to chase away the huge disappointment and pretend to smile.

I was so very excited, but had a bad feeling all day that it somehow wasn't going to work out, and I kept telling myself I only felt that way so I wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't.

It didn't and I waver back and forth thinking, maybe something happened, to being super pissed at not even getting a phone call, hell I would have taken a text message for that matter.

And all I could think about on that walk was what I wanted from a man, and feeling that I want someone who wants me more than just a bedmate.  I want someone who thinks I am worth spending time with, getting to know me, going places with me, or even sitting and watching a movie together eating popcorn.

And I realized that I want that, because I had that in so many ways.

But something happened over time and it was lost in the shuffle of life.

Of struggles.

Disappointments.

Anger.

Resentment.

I thought it was so cool of him to ask me along, and then nothing.

So here I sit, another Saturday night alone.

I don't get men.

I don't get dating.

It all seems pointless.

What I have learned this year.

As November nears it's end, and the holidays approach, I look back on the year, and think I am right where I am meant to be.

This has not been an easy year, far from it, but I am more at peace than I have been in a long time, deep in my soul.

Yes, I still have struggles and worries, I still have disappointments and loss, but those things happen.

I regard myself as 'single' now.  Just call me Ms. Deni.

I find I really enjoy being alone, I have my own space, no one breathing down my neck, I can eat what I want, I don't have to worry who I am going to upset with the wrong words or if I didn't do the dishes right away.

I can take my clothes off and leave them on the floor or not make the bed, and if I don't feel like it I don't even have to shave my legs.

Whose going to feel them anyway?

Yes, it gets lonely at times, but I am ok by myself.

Sometimes I miss Yankee, I can't just shut off those feelings, but for the most part I am accepting of this.

I was surprised how hard it was, despite me being the one to end things.  I struggled with warring feelings of failure, missing him, doubts, fears, and yes, at times I wavered wondering if this was really the right thing.

But when I would have that thought, something inside me would shrivel up and shudder and scream, DON'T EVEN!!!

Funny, when we talk, he recalls all the good, and I recall the bad.  We both view our marriage from very different perspectives.

We talk, more as friends now, he may feel differently in that aspect than I do, probably so if the things he has said are any indication.

I still have days when I am really down, but not near so much as I did, I can smile again and I do.

I've learned that I am ok being me.  I have learned it really is ok to cry.  And it's ok to laugh too!

I have learned who my real friends are, the ones who always, always have my back.  I may not talk to them everyday, but real friends are here to stay.

I've learned that I can live without a lot of things.  Things don't make us happy, we make ourselves happy.

For years I never felt especially beautiful or special, but I keep being told I am, maybe someday I will fully believe it.  I am getting there.

I've learned that I am pretty capable of doing a lot of things.

I am learning that I don't need a man to take care of me.

But most importantly I am learning who I am, who I am comfortable being.

I am just me.

Standing up for what's right.

I lost my Pell grant due to the date of my separation agreement.  So did Boo.

It's not right.

I look around and see many woman like me, white women, 40 years old and above, separated, single, divorced or widowed, low income and yet work full time jobs, stretching paycheck to paycheck, wanting to better themselves and can't.

I decided to be proactive and be a VOICE.  It starts with one.

This is not the first time I have slipped through the cracks of bureaucracy.

And it's not right.

I work, I pay my taxes and I don't get support from Yankee.  I don't get food stamps, I don't bleed the system, I don't pop out a kid every year and collect welfare.

I try, I strive, I struggle.

I have a VOICE, it may be just one, but that's all it takes, and maybe there will be two, then three and on and on.

We want schooling, we want job training, we want better pay and benefits.  We want a better life for ourselves and our families.  We want a decent retirement, and health insurance that pays instead of huge out of pocket deductables.

But most of all we want to be heard.

We want decent housing that we can afford.  We don't want to lose our homes, we want the American dream.

We sit and struggle to survive while the rich get fat and bloated on our money.

We are the consumers, the housewives who shop, we buy their products and fuel the economy.  We are a part of this country, and we want to be heard.

So I emailed the President, it probably won't do much good, but hey, I wanted to say something and just the saying of it made me feel good.

I started a new blog...check it out, follow it, twitter it, facebook it, pass the word.
http://avoiceof1.blogspot.com/

Let us be heard.

It starts with ONE.