Beeeeeep! This is just a test.

Yankee came here yesterday, I invited him.  I wanted to see if there was anything there for me.

We got along, went for brunch, rented a couple movies, I packed some boxes and he helped me move them over to the trailer with what I had already packed.  We hung my curtains, measured the bedroom over there one more time, my bed will just fit with an inch to spare lengthwise.

While we were there, he tells me this cockamamie idea he has, part of which I think is because he just doesn't want to let go of ME.

And another part of it is him deciding what I am going to do with MY money which is something he has always done over the years and not only upsets me but pisses me off royally.

So this is his idea and it does have some merit, at least part of it does, the rest I consider bullshit and him not asking me what I want but assuming I will just go along meekly.

We are now three months behind on the mortgage.  Yes, to the tune of about $1,900.00 which I don't have and neither does he.

Foreclosure will happen around February 18th.  The thing is if we pay up what we owe before then, foreclosure will stop.

So he wants us to take our respective income tax refunds and catch up on it.  He is thinking of moving back into the house temporarily, do the cosmetic work on it, painting the walls, fill in the nail holes, fix the toilet in the master bath, and then put the house up for sale.

The other part of his idea is the part that really gets me.  He said for us to go ahead and get our divorce in September, in NC we have to wait a year from the day of our legal separation.

He said for me to do what I am doing, go to school, get whatever grants and help I can through the system.

And HE CAN BE MY BOYFRIEND.

How do I say to him, I don't want you to be my husband, I don't want you to be my boyfriend, I want to be single, I want to date, I want my space, I want to just live my life without you attached to me and sucking me dry.

He spent the night last night, no not in THAT way, and all I could think was, I really wish he would go away. I couldn't sleep with him snoring and farting in his sleep.  I felt like he was invading my space and crowding me.  He was supposed to leave last night and then said, well it's getting late I might as well stay here.

I gritted my teeth and was nice.

I went to make supper and he was pushing me out of the way to 'help'.  All of a sudden he is Mr. Chef Tell.  All he did was irritate me, the kitchen is my domain, this house is my domain, until I move out, then he can do what he wants here.  He put too many big chunks of onion in the gravy, then he made the gravy too thick, instead of watching and learning he thinks he knows, so I made him add more water to the gravy, I am so not eating paste.

He complained that the gravy was too runny.  Oh well.

Just one small difference, and a lot of huge ones.

I have plans for MY money, I have plans for MY life which does not include him, as a husband, or boyfriend.

All he sees is what HE wants.

And I am at the point of what about what I want?  What I need?  I gave to him for too many years.

Now it's my turn.

I see the merit in doing this with the house, the part that gets me is he didn't ask, just assumed that I would.

He is gone again, and I am relieved but very irritated.

So the test showed me that there is no way I can be with him, I like my space, I like being able to just be me,  I like making my own decisions, and doing what I want to do without having to answer to him.

I debated on going on this date on Sunday, but ya know what?  I am going.

All's quiet

Nearly 6 am, and the only sounds are the fridge humming and the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard.  There is something about the early morning that always feels so peaceful.  It's still dark outside, but soon the sun will be peeking over the trees to say hello.

I have a fresh cup of coffee within reach, the steam rising into the coolness of the room.  I am sitting at the kitchen table, this is unusual these days usually because the house is cold.  The only room I have the heat turned on in is my bedroom to conserve power, I don't need a three hundred dollar bill.

I am off work today and tomorrow and still have a lot to do, I need to take advantage of these two days, I rarely get my days off together.

I am having mixed feelings about this move, on one hand I am excited, on the other hand I am sad that I am losing my house.

I talked to Yankee last night and said, 'We would have lost this house anyway eventually.'

The pay cuts he had to take, plus working in Charlotte really put a strain on our finances.

He told me last night that his very good friend and co-worker of his, R and his wife are separating.  I was shocked, on the outside they seemed the proverbial happy couple.

On the other hand, R's wife E was shocked when she heard about us separating, she told Yankee, seeing you two together I thought you would never part.

Funny, because when I first met them, Yankee and I were going through a lot of stuff and sleeping in separate bedrooms.

E is one of those people you instantly like, very down to earth, friendly and sociable.

Someone I could definitely be friends with.

Yankee told me that his friends told him that he needs to move on, one man told him that he is on his fourth marriage, that you get through it somehow and life goes on.

Yankee said to him, 'If the third is the charm, what's the fourth?'

My personal feelings at this time is that I don't want to get married again, I am enjoying being single.  I have my moments when the loneliness gets to me, but for the most part it's nice not to have to answer to anyone.  It's nice to come home from a long day at work and not have to cook for someone, or listen to them yell and fuss.

On the bright side, I have a lunch date on Sunday.  He seems very nice.  He is an artist, and a very talented one at that.  I don't feel any particular pull to him or even heart throbbing excitement, but maybe we can at least be friends.  And you never know, stranger things have happened.  It seems we have a lot in common.

So a casual get to know you lunch is in order.

I am actually off this coming Sunday so I plan on going to church.  I can't go every week due to work but I have decided to go when I can.

Yankee is coming today to help me with some things, as long as we don't fight he is welcome.  But first thing we are going to do is measure my bed to see if it will fit in the trailer.

A trailer. I am moving into a trailer.

Yankee made a comment the other day that I am doing the one thing I adamantly refused to do, living in a trailer and he has done what he said he would never do, living in an apartment in a gated complex in the city.

Funny how things turn around on you, well like they say never say never.

Well I must get myself moving here, lots to do, but one more thing, pop on over to Joe's blog...http://dreamteaser.blogspot.com/ and send him hugs and get well wishes, his appendix had burst and he had to have surgery.  He is home now and on the mend after Shannon saved his life, he owes her big time!

Have an awesome day everyone, and don't forget to check out my new blog, you can find it on my side bar under financial blogs, The Five and Dime blog, lots of free samples and tips for saving money.  And pass the word, link it, twitter it, facebook it, digg it, I would really like to get it off the ground and get some traffic there.

Love ya's!

November 7, 1997

Today I was married for 12 years, and I sit alone.

I called Yankee, all I got was, I am in my tree stand.  Then he was gone.

Maybe me feel once more unimportant to him.  I don't even know why I called him.

And yes, it hurt.  And recomfirmed for me that this is the right thing.

We have talked about reconciliation, but I told him it wasn't happening unless we can fix our problems first.  This is highly doubtful considering that we end up pissing each other off even on the phone.

Last night he called me, he was half in the bag and told me he had been thinking a lot and realized that he is miserable with me and without me.  And he said something to the affect that we fight all the time and that's not good, so he is considering things.

We are supposed to get together on Tuesday, and I have a feeling he is going to tell me that he has rethought reconciling and it's not going to happen.

He just kept saying, you know I love you but we can't keep doing this to each other.

I find myself oddly at peace with that thought, that eventually we both can move on with separate lives.

As he says, life is too short for this.

Although I have my sad moments, I am working my way through the morass of differing feelings.  Divorce is hard, damn hard.  Whether you love someone or not.

And yes, I do love him and probably always will, I just can't live with him.  He was my hero, my friend, my lover.  He was the father to my children more than their real father.  He was a good provider and loyal and faithful.

And yes, I do miss him tonight, thinking of anniversaries past when we would go to the Still Creek, the place we went to on the night we married.

I remember that day well, and the green dress I wore still hangs in my closet.  Our wedding rings our nestled in a cotton lined box.

And somehow life will go on without him.

Crappy day

I got up at 3 am, made my coffee, took a shower, scraped up some change, headed to work, parked the car in New Zealand and walked in the cold what seemed like miles to go into work.  Got the time clock and realized I left my badge in the car.

I ran, the mile long hike to the front door, and across miles of macadam to my car parked way beyond, out of breath thinking, Damn I am out of shape, legs burning as I made the miles long trek back into the building to walk another mile to the time clock to punch in five minutes late.

Yesterday the guy came to repair the donut machine.  He got it running but needs to get another part.  He said I could use it today.

Doing my prep work, I filled the machine with 50 gallons of glaze, turned the machine on, and NOTHING!

I waited letting it heat up, and NOTHING.

I started breaking down the machine, draining the glaze back into it's buckets, cussing silently and whispering death threats to the absentee repairman.

I then hand dipped nearly 400 donuts, laid them out in the case, boxed the rest, cleaned up, and by that time it was lunch time.

When I left the house that morning I picked up the new house keys and jammed them in my pocket book thinking that I would put them on my keychain later.

So at lunch I dug through my pocket book. No keys.

Hmmm, must be in the car.

I was not about to trudge the miles long hike to my car to see.

I finally got done at 2, and left.  Got in my car, looked around, no keys.

I looked under the seats, in between the seats, the back seat, all over.  No keys.

I went home thinking I must not have picked them up.

Came home, looked at the table where they were the last time I saw them.

No keys.

Went out and looked in the drive way.

No keys.

I took a break from the missing keys and called the power company, only to find out that because I am leaving the power on here at this house, I have to pay a deposit of $150.00 to the blood sucking leaches.  I begged and cried and they are letting me pay half next week then the rest when I get my first bill.

Depressed about this, I decided to back track and see if I couldn't find my keys because I certainly didn't want to call my new landlord and tell him I lost the keys he gave me.

So I got in my car, drove back to work, stopping at the gas station and looking there.  No keys.  Back to work, looked in the parking lot where I had parked my car.  No keys. But I found one of my earrings.  LOL

Went into work and to the service desk.  Nope, no one turned in keys.  Went to the back and checked my locker, which is nearly on the ceiling and me being vertically challenged and all had to stand on tip toes and feel with my hand.

No keys.  Stopped at the Manager's office and asked there.  No keys.

Disgusted, over tired and hungry and frustrated I went home to try and relax and worry about it tomorrow.

I was starving, after a little while, I went to the pizza parlor got a plain cheese pizza and a bottle of Smirnoff grape.

As I was reaching into my pocketbook I thought, I never looked in my wallet.

And there were my keys sitting there laughing at me.

I went home ate four slices of pizza and drank my smirnoff, and now I am going to sleep.

Trying to look at the positives.

Last night I met my new landlord and paid him the first month's rent, now I just have to work on paying the deposit.  I am flat broke now, but I have food in the house, gas in the car, and a new home to move too.

Now for all the work.  YAY!  *snort*

I took another good look at the trailer, it really is small.  It's an older home so it has signs of wear and tear, I guess for the price it's pretty nice albeit small.  It's ok, I don't need much, it's just me.

On the positive side, I like that it has a lot of kitchen cabinets, even a little broom closet.  On the other hand, the bathroom leaves something to be desired, and the tub needs a good scrubbing or sand blasting.  There is no linen closet, but I don't have one now, I just need to figure out where I am going to stick the little cabinet I use for that.

The bedrooms are small, I mean miniscule.  The bright side, there are two huge closets in each bedroom way more closet space than I have now.

I am not sure I am going to fit my bed in the bigger bedroom, my landlord measured the room for me, it's 7' 6".  I came home and measured my bed.  It's 7' 6" :LOL.

So my plan is too use that bedroom closet for storage, I won't be able to get into the closet easily anyway, so I will put in there anything I am not using much.  The second bedroom which is really small, looking at it, it would maybe make a perfect nursery because I can't see fitting much in there, but since I don't have a baby, thank God, I will use it as one big walk in closet, since with the bed I certainly won't be able to fit my dressers in the other room.

In the living room, one wall has a huge mirror on it with a nice ledge on the top edge and the bottom edge, I will put my salt and pepper shakers there, it will make a nice display.

My living room furniture should fit nice. I was going to get rid of my big round papason chair, but I think it will go nice in the one corner, I don't have a cushion for it, but I can get one later on down the road.  Or I was thinking, why not just buy a big round dog bed which would be cheaper, or even some big body pillows, I saw some awesome burnt orange ones at the store the other day.  I don't have the money right now, but it's ok, I can wait.

I finished painting the shelves, they look so much nicer than they did.  I haven't put it back together I will wait till I get it over there.  I will take pics of it then.

I so don't like the backsplash in the kitchen, it's white and ugly ugly ugly, but I don't know what to do with it.

On the upside, I love that I have my own yard and a front and back porch, I can hang all my wind chimes and put my garden gnomes out there.

Well I have my work cut out for me, and speaking of work, I need to get ready.

Good day and bad news.

Ok work sucked, but that's par for the course.  After work, I picked up a can of Cherry Red spray paint, came home, took the shelves off my rattan shelf and spray painted them.  Ok, they need a couple more coats, I'll finish them tomorrow.  That shelf is going to look awesome when it's done, the red is going to look nice against the wood.

I am planning on putting it against the kitchen window in my new place and put all my houseplants on it.

I had some really sad news today.  My best friend in OBX found out that her mother has terminal cancer.  It's in her bronchial tubes and is fast growing, and already spread to her lymph nodes.  They are not sure how much time she has, she has refused the chemo treatments.  The doctor told her the only thing those treatments would do is help her breathe, and the side affects way outweigh the benefits of it.

I love this lady, she spent a lot of time talking to me while I was down there.  She is very understanding and a good hearted woman.  Her name is Sharon but I have always called her Mom.  Please pray for her and her family.

I would so love to go see them but I can't see a way.  I can't take time off work during November and December and money is tight now.

But my heart is with them and my prayers.

Oh and don't forget to check out the new deals on http://thefiveanddimeblog.blogspot.com/

I even put on something fun, I won't tell you what it is.  LOL

The Five and Dime Blog

Please check out my new blog, and pass the word.

http://thefiveanddimeblog.blogspot.com/